Another archive journal entry. I struggled immensely with motivation and self-discipline in first two months after the divorce was finalized; this post reflects a common theme during those months.

2015 on May 5, 2014 

As promised, more writing today…just not more good stuff. If I am being honest, I used muscle soreness from Saturday and Sunday and the self-made promise of an ass-kicking workout tomorrow to justify being lazy and over-eating today. At least I kept it to decently healthy foods; peanut butter and Surly were the worst offenders tonight. In reality, I have fallen off the wagon of self-discipline much harder, and a legitimate argument could be made for taking a rest day today. The caloric intake was a bit obscene though…

I hate this part of me – this fetid, sickly weakness, full of rationalizations for not bettering myself and quick to console my ego by comparing my mediocre fitness to those with even less discipline. It’s ironic that this weakness in me, this frail, piece-of-shit inner child may very well get me and itself killed in the mountains with it’s too-often-successful attempts to shanghai my attempts at discipline and mastery. The mountains that I love so much are unforgiving. They suffer neither fools nor the weak to pass regularly without consequence.

The beautiful thing about this state of humanity in which I live and breathe and shit is that, barring a night-time encounter with Death, I will wake up tomorrow with another chance at discipline, and an opportunity for redemption (however undeserved).

Carpe Diem, seize the day…

Today I failed in this.

Tomorrow I will succeed.